Contradictions
03-14-05, 6:50 a.m.

Well I did it... I am back (and smelly) from the gym. I got up and went, and in many ways it was so hard, but in many others it was so good. The alarm went off and 5:30 and instead of hitting snooze, I turned it off, and in all honesty, I told myself just to go back to sleep. It's hard to get up, and who really wants to? Well the guilt came right away and there was no way that I *could* go back to sleep, so I got up, grumbling. Tonya woke up when she heard me get up and she got into her gym clothes and so did I, and out the door we went. Wow, there are so many things that never change, and then there were so many changes as well. I know that sounds like a contradiction, but trust me on this. They have a lot new rules at the gym, not sure I like that, but I will give it some time to see. I keep telling myself that this is the beginning, I am starting over, and yet I find myself starting to fall back into the old habits that I developed. It's going to be a struggle not to, but I am determined. I am afraid that if I fall into old habits this fast, that I will get complacent. I want the excited feelings of new... that is what carried me so much the first time.

I did a lot better than I thought I would. I walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes, at a little faster speed than I thought possible after all this time, but still not anywhere close to where I was before. I didn't push it, even at the moments when I felt like I wanted to. Slow and steady, baby steps again. That sucks but doesn't too, lol.

Okay, time to get ready for work, I hear Ton out of the shower and it's my turn now. Going back tomorrow... I have to, wish me luck again.