Where is the happiness?
01-03-2004, 11:00 p.m.

It�s strange how many things in life have the ability to affect a person. I knew that Tonya leaving her husband was going to be hard, not only on her, and her children, and even him, but on all of us who are involved. I just didn�t realize how much we would all be involved (some of us more than others, but all of us all the same). It�s amazing how much he is turning things on to us, making it seem like we are the ones who are doing horrible things, instead of him� but what is most amazing is just how much it actually gets to me. I have always been a person who cares what people think about me� people I love, people I knew� people I don�t know and even people I don�t like. But when they are saying things about me which are so totally wrong, and turning such innocent situations into things that are ugly, yes that affects me, and so very deeply.

I�ve tried to laugh most of it off and I�ve even succeeded from time to time, but lately it�s really been hurting, and a lot. He tells her that if she comes back, that her friends are going to be a bone of contention between them now, and he is right. Do I want her to go back? Honestly, I truly have no answer to that question. It is her choice, and I will support her choices no matter what they are. She loves him, she always will, and I know that there is every possibility that she will go back some day. If that will make her happy, then I am completely all for that� because what matters most to me in all of this is her happiness and the safety and welfare of her and her children. I am trying not to put my own personal feelings into the mix here. Whatever she wants, I am here�.

Life sucks sometimes�. I don�t know why things like this happen, but I do have to wonder if it is ever going to get better. It�s now been 4 months of hell for her, and I just wish that it would be even a little better. Not for my sake but for her and the girls.

The girls come home tomorrow. At least that is a bright spot for her. Who knows what they are thinking now� all of a sudden they hate it here and don�t want to come back. It does not take a rocket scientist to figure out why� what we don�t know is what damage has been done. I just want a little of happiness in all of this, is that possible?