Tossing and Turning
01-18-2001,

Tossing and Turning...

January 18, 2001

I don't know what my problem has been the past few weeks, but I have been tossing and turning at night a lot lately. To begin with, I don't even get into bed until well after midnight lately, which is pretty late for someone who usually goes to bed between 10:30 and 11:00. When I do get to bed, I have a hard time falling asleep, and then when I do get to sleep, I have been having nightmares. Wonder what is going on with that. The thing that sucks, as you can well imagine, is that I don't want to get up in the morning. Usually, I am a morning bird, up early, cheerful, and getting stuff done.. lately, I have been cranky and irritable....I like the first person better, as does everyone around me I am sure.

Things are still a little hectic at work, although I am finding that I am getting a few minutes here and there to breath again, so maybe it is calming down a little. Actually, this is just a very busy time of year here at work, and realistically, it will last until mid-may (ugggh). I am not really complaining too much though, being busy certainly makes the days go by quickly, and gives you something to be proud of (keeping up with it and doing a good job). Besides that, it makes you appreciate the down times more, LOL. Well, that is if you still have friends who are talking to you when it is over. I guess the being cranky lately part isn't very conductive with friendships. I have been complaining and saying things that I don't mean to lately. I just hope I don't do any permanent damage.

Stephen has been so understanding though, and for that I will be eternally grateful. He has been running baths for me after work, and convincing me to just relax. He has been doing the majority of the little housework this week as well, usually we share the chores, but he has been giving me a break. I hope he knows how much the little stuff means.

I think that on top of everything else, I am feeling a little stressed about my upcoming appointment with my Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). We meet with him on Monday to go over my last cycle, and to decide where to go from here. I have put this appointment off for a few weeks because I really am not certain where I want to go from here yet, but it's time to just decide and get it over with. Maybe it is the uncertainty that is making me stressed. I haven't written much here about our struggles with Infertility. Mostly because we have been taking a break lately, but also because I do keep another journal at the Labor of Love, and that one contains mostly just TTC (trying to conceive) stuff. I have been trying to keep this journal more towards other areas of my life. After all, that was my point in starting it. If you check there though, you will see that my entries are few and far between in the past month or so. Oh well, I am sure that I will write more there as we move forward....I just wish I knew in which direction we want to go. Stephen is really not much of a help in this area, as he tends to think that it should be my decision since I am the one going thru all the treatments. Sometimes though, I just wish he would tell me what he would like to do...