Faith, Hope, Charity
01-29-2002,

Faith, Hope, Charity...

January 29, 2002

I know that sometimes I get obsessed with things, especially the current most-important thing in my life, what ever that may be. I guess that obsessed is not really the right word, cause I don't think I am obsessed.. but I do talk a lot about the things that matter to me at the moment. Maybe I do talk them to death at times, but I can't change how I am.... I don't even want to change how I am. Well I do, that is the whole point of the better us stuff.. but I don't want to change everything about me. Maybe I do need to stop and realize that what works for me might not work for others... and maybe I need to accept that my ways are not always the right way, and that they may even be hurtful to others. I know that I am talking in circles right now, but in a way that is how I feel, in circles. I guess I am worried that I am talking too much about certain things and in the process making people feel bad. That was never my intention, and I could be wrong, but it is how I feel, and I am trying to learn that all my feelings are valid, because I feel them.

So a friend of ours at work, Lee, just came into my office, and asked me a very good question. He asked... what do you think is most important, Faith, Hope or Charity. I said, wow, that is a very tough question, and it is very tough... I thought about it for a few minutes. I said... I think that they are all important, and some are maybe more important at different times of your life.. but I guess for me, the answer would be Hope. He said that he was surprised... that if he had to guess what was most important to me, just by the fact that he knows me so well and has for the past 12 years.. that he would have picked Charity for me. I asked him why... and he said because I am always there for other people, and always doing something good for those that I care about... and those that I don't even really know. I thought that was a very sweet thing for him to say about me, and it did really make me feel good... but quite honestly, I still pick hope. I think that Faith would be my second choice... and it really is a close race.

Hope is something that I live on..... I guess you could look at it in other ways and think that it's faith, and maybe it is... but how do you know the difference? I am not sure that I do. For instance... I hope that I can continue to make myself feel better about myself.. or is it that I have faith that I can. Do I really have that faith? Or am I just hopeful? Or does Faith come from hope... or is it hope that comes from Faith. This is such a deep question, one that I am not sure I can answer after only thinking about it for a few minutes. Faith, Hope and Charity are all very important.. and maybe they are all things that I should think about as I am going thru this phase in my life.

Lee helped me work out today. I went over there a little bit later than usual (because he goes at 11:30 every day, when it is much too crowded for my taste)... but I went at 10:45, so that I would still be there when he came... It was crowded when I got there, but I didn't let that stop me. All the treadmills were being used, so I got on a bike, and I rode for 16 minutes. I would have gone longer, but a treadmill became available and I wanted to move to that. Don't ask me why I like the treadmill better, but I do. At least for now I do.. but I am glad that I got some bike time in as well.... it's good to do different things. I was almost up to 12 minutes on the treadmill when Lee showed up (he came a little early for me, awwww). I finished out the 12 minutes and then went to work with him. I was going to go at least 15 minutes.. but when I think about it, adding the two up made it 28 minutes and that was a minute more than yesterday.. not too bad. I even jogged again for a full minute, something that is very hard for me... but a goal nonetheless.

Lee showed me how to work out my arms and stuff with the weight machines (shoulder presses, curls, and a bunch of others), and boy was that a work out. My arms feel rubbery still. I did a lot, and I am glad.. I am not sure I will do quite that much every day, but I did want to learn how to do them. When we were done, he went to do his 15 minutes on the jogging machine, and I did some leg presses and the abdominal machine before I left. I was almost there for a full hour, wow. It is amazing how much more stamina you build up over time. Still, I am going slow slow slow! I hope I can keep up with it... I have faith I can.. LOL.

Daily Tidbits

1. I am in a non-talkative mood presently. Something is on my mind, although I am not even sure how to word it, nor would I really want to. I guess it's one of those things that you have to work thru yourself.

2. I normally don't type stuff like this in my journal, because I tend to not write things that I am not sure that I want people to read.. but I have to learn that this is my place to write, and as such, I need to write about more that I am feeling.

3. I finally got an appointment with Dr. Kett... hehe. I called yesterday, but called a little too late, and they were gone for the day (the girls who do the appointments). I called today and got an appointment for March 4th. I am happy with that.

4. I am considering calling my family doctor as well... to talk to him about my better me plan, at least the weight loss part of it. I am thinking that he might have some advice for me, and well, why not. He has been wanting to get me in there for a check up anyway... so might as well.

5. I am not a huge fan of going to the doctor, so all these appointments are just way not my style... I had enough of doctors when we were going thru our infertility treatments to last a life-time.

6. I am thinking about starting those treatments again, but not until I lose at least 20 pounds... maybe 30. Let's get skinny to get fat again (but in a good way).. there is a good motto.
7. I should mention that losing 20-30 pounds is in no way going to make me skinny.. not even close... LOL... so there goes that Motto!