I am Not Different
02-08-2001,

I am Not Different...

February 8, 2001

So why do people treat me that way? I think that it's probably the very worst part of dealing with infertility. People tend to treat you like you are different, like they can't talk to you about babies or pregnancies cause you will snap or something. All they are doing is making you feel left out of everything, and thus making you feel like you are being punished because of your infertility. It is so unfair and not right.

My SIL, Delores, is having some problems. She is expecting her 4th child, and she is having a hard time with this pregnancy, spotting and stuff like that. God, I feel for her, and I hope that it all turns out alright in the end. However, when my MIL was telling me about it, she also said "Delores said not to tell Vicki" but I thought you guys should know. Man, that one little statement hurt. Don't tell Vicki... you would think that if she is having problems, that maybe telling the person who would understand the most would be your best idea, wouldn't you? Guess not. I know that I shouldn't dwell on this, and instead just try to be there for her, but I AM hurt. Then to make matters worse, when I tried to explain to Stephen how I felt, he got defensive, defending his family and in the process said some really insensitive things that hurt my feelings even worse. So badly, that I even slept on the couch last night. He did try to get me to come to bed, but I just wasn't going to. I did go to bed about 3:30 this morning though, but only because I woke up with a horrible migraine, and I wanted to take a pain pill and get in my own bed. Unfortunately it didn't work, and my head still hurt sooooo badly today.

Stephen tried to make up with me on the way to work this morning, but when I tried to explain my feelings to him, he was still being defensive and it really didn't get us anywhere. I decided that I wasn't mad at him, just hurt...but that I didn't want to spend the day fighting, so half way to work, I just tried to have a normal conversation about normal things. Well later, after we had been at work for a while, he came and apologized. He said that he realized that he should have been supportive of my feelings and not defensive of his family and that he was sorry. He also said that he hopes I never try to sleep on the couch again, because he couldn't get to sleep most of the night without me in the bed. Good! LOL. I know that the problems are still here, I am still going to be treated differently because of my infertility, but I can't change that. I can't accept it either though... so where does that leave me?

I did send a short note to Delores today. I was going to send an email, but decided, maybe a card would be better, so I wrote in one. Maybe she doesn't want my help, I don't know. We have never really been the closest of friends, but we are family, and I do care. I just said that... that I cared and that I am here if she wants to talk, and that I always hoped we could be friends as well as family. Maybe it will make a difference and maybe she will reach out and accept my sincere offer... maybe not, but I did my part.

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Well I got an email from Delores this afternoon. She must have talked to her mom, and she asked me to give her a call. Sooo, I did, and we had a great conversation. She is having some problems, how bad they are she will not know for another week or so. I guess we just have to wait and see and hope for the best... she has my prayers. I think that we both felt better after our conversation though. She said that I helped her feel better about it, and that "she should have called me first". I just smiled and said, yah, you should have. I did tell her that it hurt me that they tried to *spare* my feelings, and that in sparing them, they hurt them in another way. She explained that it was just that she didn't want me to think that she thought her problems were more than mine... but I tried to explain to her, that I didn't see it that way at all, and that it helped me to be there for her thru this. I am so glad that we talked, I feel so much better. I just hope that this is a false alarm and that their baby will be okay. That is my greatest hope right now...