Regrets
02-23-2003, 7:03 p.m.

Regrets...
A Dear X Collaboration

February 23, 2003

Dear Jean,

Yesterday, a friend of Jen lost her child, and Jen and I have talked about it quite a bit. It's such a devastating thing, for anyone, and it has brought back many memories for me of what was certainly the worst day of your life. I will never forget the phone call I received, the day that your son was killed, although I know that the memory is even more so painful in your own mind, and heart. I remember so clearly the days, weeks and months that followed and what you went through and I remember how long it took you to be able to move on. I know that you will never forget and I know that it will always hurt, but I want to tell you now that you amazed me with your strength.

As does the thought of any child lost, all of this got me to thinking about my own loss, my ectopic pregnancy, mostly. You were there for me, and you were always sure to remind me to grieve and let it out. Never once did you say that at least it happened early, as others did, never once did you make me feel bad about being so upset over it all when you had lost so much more. I remember a conversation that we had when I was at my lowest, the conversation about regrets, do you remember it? You asked me if I regretted getting pregnant, and back then I couldn't answer you. The pain was too much that I almost did regret it, because at the time, I thought that maybe it would have been better to never have, than to have and lose... and you told me that you've never regretted a moment of Frances' life, other than his death, and since then, I've thought about it often.

I want you to know that I am alright now. I know that we don't talk often anymore, but you still mean a lot to me. I love getting your letters, and hearing happiness in your voice once again. It's amazing how time has a way of dulling the pain, and helping us live. Thank you for your strenght, and thank you for helping show me that we should grasp what we have, instead of living with regrets. Your son is surely an angel and I would bet with all of my heart that he never ever regretted having you for a mother. His life was not long enough Jean, but while he was here, he brought much happiness and love, and his memory will continue to bring you just that. I hope that Jen's friend is able to get through this as well. I know it will be so hard for her, and that maybe she has her own regrets right now, and I wish for her peace. There may never be understanding nor acceptance, but hopefully time will dull her pain, and her regrets.

Love, Vicki