This is What I Want
05-07-2002,

This is What I Want...
A Dear X Collaboration

May 07, 2002

Dear Stephen...

This is what I want... I want to grow old with you. But not only do I want to grow old with you, I want to do so happily. I want to continue to be your best friend and to continue to be able to call you mine. I want to know that no matter what life throws at us, we will face it head on and come out better because we did it together. I want to share in your happiness and your laugher, and I want to share in your bad times as well. I want *us* to be the thing that matters most to each of us, and what matters to us together. I want us to always remember the hard times, because we learn so much from them, about each other and about ourselves. And it reminds us to appreciate what we have and to not take it for granted.

This is what I want...I want to have your child. I used to say that I wanted to have children with you, but now I know that I would be just as content with even one. I know that we have struggled with this one for many years, and have shed many tears over it, but for some reason, neither of us are quite ready to accept life without children, not ready to give up on our fight. I want to know that even if we don't have children, that we still have each other, and I want to know that we will be okay with whatever happens. But mostly, I want our dreams to come true. We deserve that Stephen.. you are going to be the best father ever. I see the way you love Chrissy and June, the way you take care of them. You couldn't treat them any better if you were their own father. I see the way you are with all of our other nieces and nephews, but more than that, I see how much each and every one of them respects you, how much they love you, and how much they look up to you. I want to watch your eyes light up the day I finally get to tell you that we are having a baby, one that will stay with us forever, and not just a few short weeks. I want to see your face as you hold your child the first time, as you teach them how to walk, tie their shoes, read, ride a bike, all the things that we are missing out on in our lives. This is so what I want that, for me and also for you.

This is what I want. I want to continue to share our lives with Chrissy and June because they make not having children more than just a little bit easier. I don't know where we would be without these little girls, they bring so much joy and peace into our lives. I look at them and I realized just how blessed we really are. They love us so much Stephen, and they look to us for so much. I want them to always know how much we love them, and to know how much they have meant in our lives. I want to really sit down one day with Sherry and try to tell her how much she has given us, and how much we love her for it. I hope that we give enough to all of them, because they deserve it.

This is what I want. I want to hold you in my arms for the rest of my life. I want to thank you for being the one that shares my hopes and dreams and every aspect of my life. I can, and do, tell you everything, knowing that you are always there for me, and that you will never let me fall. I want to thank you for loving me unconditionally and for accepting me as I am. I want to thank you for allowing me to be my own person, and for encouaging me to do the things that matter to me. I want to tell you how much your love means to me, and how much you trust strengthens me. You are always there, and you allow me to grow and thrive, and to watch you grow and thrive is one of my greatest joys.

This is what I want...I want to thank you for all that you go without, so that I can have the extras, like trips with my girlfriends and outings that I enjoy. I want you to know that I do see it, that I do realize just what you do to make these things possible. You never complain, not about the money I spend, or the time I take away from you. Instead you encourage me to do these things, and you are genuinely happy when I am. Sometimes I wonder what I do for you in return in this area. You are so giving and thoughtful and kind, and I want you to know that I know it, and that I appreciate you for it.

Stephen, my life is better because you are in it. I can't remember what I was before you, and I can't imagine what I would be without you. I know that things are not always perfect, and sometimes they are not even good, but we have a good life, and we are lucky. Lucky to have wonderful family, great friends but mostly, lucky to have each other. I never want to lose what we share, and I don't think we will. In the ten plus years that we've been married, it's only gotten better and stronger. Just when I think that we have it all together, I realize just how far we have to go. I look forward to the journey, as long as it's you I get to make it with. This is what I want most of all.

Love, Vicki