Emotionally Drained
05-16-2003, 10:51 p.m.

Wow, the past few days have just been so emotionally draining. I am just so wiped, I literally feel like I have nothing left inside of me. I could go to bed and just sleep for a week I think. In some ways these past 3 days seem like they've lasted for a week, and in other ways, it feels like they disappeared in a blink of the eye.

Wednesday, I ended up doing a bunch of stuff for my parents (looked for old pictures and videos to be shown at the wake) and then I headed out to their house. The plan was to spend a couple of hours and then come home and get some stuff done, but for some reason, I just could not seem to pull myself away from my mom and gram, and I ended up spending the night. We had a quiet night, but it was just nice being together.

Yesterday was the wake, and it went really well. I am surprised at how many people were able to make it, and I tried really hard to take some of the pressure off of my parents and uncle, and they all told me how much they appreciated that. I got emotional quite a few times, but the one that really stands out was when my grandma finally got the courage to see him. She asked me to go up with her, and watching her cry broke my heart into so many pieces. Some people might think it strange that my mom's parents were so torn up over my father's dad's passing, but they took care of him every day for 4 years, and they loved him as much as anyone. It was nice seeing how much people wanted to talk to them, to hear about his last days and such. My mother-in-law and father-in-law came, and that really meant so much to me and my parents. And Jen came, which really meant a lot more than I realized that it would. Just seeing her there was a great comfort and I could never thank her enough for being there for me. The biggest surprise though, was Sherry. She was there for every minute of the past 2 days, and she has been a god-send. She did so much for me and for my family and we could never thank her enough. Little things, like making sure that there was enough food for everyone, and running out for more pop, making coffee and cleaning up after everyone.. to running and getting frames for pictures that my dad was displaying (without anyone asking her too, she really took the iniative to do so much and my parents kept saying how much they appreciated that as well). She was wonderful, and she really took care of me.. she was there everytime I needed her, and I was reminded once again how much a part of my family she really is.

It was nice because ours was the only wake yesterday, and so we had the run of the funeral home, which may sound strange, but it gave you the opportunity to compose yourself when needed. They had a really nice room downstairs for the family, and my aunt brought wonderful food for everyone. We spent quite a bit of time down there, being together and talking about my grandfather. It was such an emotional day for everyone.. and it was hard to leave when it was over.

Sherry spent the night with me last night. We got home and laid in bed watching ER, and I pretty much just passed out from exhaustion (amazing how much this all takes out of you). We got up early this morning to get ready, and Sherry had gotten up before us and went to get breakfast and all that. We all got ready and headed back to the funeral home. We were the first people to get there, and when we were walking in, the funeral director asked if any of us were Pall Bearers. I told him that we were not, and then he said, oh, I thought you were Vicki. Turns out that my Uncle and Dad had decided that they wanted the grandchildren as the Pall Bearers, and wow, I just didn't know what to say. I mean, it's not something I really wanted to do, mostly because I am such an emotional person, and I didn't know how I would handle it, but I didn't want to let my dad down either. He did tell me that he would understand if I would prefer not to, but that it meant a lot to him, and I told him that I was honored to do so. My sister ended up not coming though (long story that I don't want to really get into), so my parents asked Stephen to take her place, which really made it a lot easier to do it, with him there with me. Now that it is all said and done, I am so glad that I had this opportunity, and I really feel honored that I did. There were 8 (My Cousins Mark, Danny, Brian, Chris, Jimmy, My Brother Scott and then Stephen and I). I was also asked to carry up the gifts at the church, and since my sister was supposed to do it with me and wasn't there, my brother stepped in. On our way up, my nephew Brian whispered to me that he wanted to help.. so I let him come up with me, and carry up something. I was hoping that my parents would be okay with that, and they were. In fact, my mom said it was the best thing ever, and that it really was such a nice touch. It was so sweet, and he looked so sweet and serious in his little suit. I was so proud of him.

The mass was beautiful, and there was not a dry eye in the church when my uncle Bill got up to speak. It was touching and a wonderful tribute to his father. I can't believe how quickly it all went though, and before I knew it we were at the chapel in the cemetary. Because we have a lot of older relatives (including my grandfather's sister who is 94) my parents and uncle opted not to have a grave-side service, and instead had prayers and song in the chapel there. I broke down when it was time to place our pall bearer gloves on the casket.. it was just so final and sad. They passed out yellow roses afterwards, and we headed over to the graves of my grandmother and other relatives. That, in a strange way, was very comforting...and I am glad that we got to do that.

They had a luncheon afterwards at my grandfather's favorite place. It was beautiful, and again, comforting. I think that these are wonderful opportunities to spend time talking about your loved one, and a time to move past the tears and anguish, and start remembering the good things, and pulling closer to your family and friends. It was a nice afternoon, and I felt much better afterwards. Even my dad seemed alot better at the luncheon and that made me feel better.

When we got home, I was so tired that I just laid down and took a nap.. Sherry watched a movie and Stephen went to visit with his parents. Later, Chuck and the girls came over for the evening. Today is Chuck's birthday (Happy Birthday Chuck), so we had dinner and cake, and then Chuck and I went for a 4 mile walk (noone else wanted to go with us). That was nice, cause he let me talk about my grandfather and silly memories, and it just seemed like a fitting end to the day. I know that I probably missed so many things that I wanted to write, and so I will write about them in the coming days, but for now, I can't write anymore... In fact, I thought that I would only write a paragraph or two tonight, but then it just kinda grew. I really want to thank my friends who have really been there so much for me the past few days...I could not have gotten through this without you. I love you guys.

So that is it.. my grandfather has been laid to rest, and now we learn to live without him in our lives. My Uncle said in his talk today.. that we should not cry, but celebrate his life.. he is on the road to heaven, and is in a wonderful place. He lived a long life (he was 91), and we should all be so lucky. I think that the hardest part is behind us now, and we said our goodbyes. I will miss you grandpa... but I won't say goodbye... just so long for now.