Try Try Again
05-29-2002,

Try Try Again...
A Random Acts of Journaling Collaboration

May 29, 2002

Originally, I planned to write an entry on a totally different quote. I even knew exactly what I wanted to say, and it was a good entry. But it lacked something.. it lacked the feeling that I felt when I read the above quote. This one really hit on something that has been on my mind a lot lately. Something that I have been dealing with, albeit silently. I haven�t written about it here, in my journal, or anywhere else, because I didn�t want to feel like I failed again. Maybe if people didn�t know, then it wouldn�t be such a big failure later. That�s what this infertility issue, in my life, has become, a failure. I remember a time when I would freely talk about my infertility. I would be happy to talk about it, to share my dreams, my plans, my hopes� I had hope, that is the bottom line, I had hope. I tried, several times, and when it didn�t work, I tried again, and I tried harder. I do not know when I came to the point where I didn�t want to try anymore, or where I was got to be so afraid to try, but I did, and I have been at that point for over a year now.

When I first took a break from TTC, my intention was to give my body 6 months of a break. I knew that I needed it, badly. I don�t know how much you know about infertility treatments, but they are not easy. Not only are they hard physically, but emotionally they are the hardest thing I�ve ever gone thru. When it doesn�t work the first time, you think.. well it rarely does, and that�s okay. When it doesn�t work the second time, you think� well the third times the charm� when you start to get into double digits, you get discouraged. I remember the beginning, all too well.. the excitement.. the cockiness. You are so sure that this is it for you, this is what�s going to bring you to your dream of having a child. You can�t be one of the ones who continue to struggle.. you�ve struggled enough. You think.. well this has to work, cause I am not ready to go to the next step.. and before you know it, you find yourself at the next step, and then the next, and then at a point where you were sure you would never have to go.

Then people start to tell you �you have to keep trying, it takes time, you are not a failure�.. and you think, �what do you know�. Some people do know, and you really are happy for them when they succeed� even if you wonder deep down, why not me. The hardest though, are the people who have never been here� and when it is someone with kids themselves, you really want to scream� You have your children.. and you didn�t have to do any of this crap. You got to have sex with your husband, you got to find out you were pregnant, maybe it was even a surprise, and you got to have a normal pregnancy�and now you have your child(ren). What do you know about feeling like a failure. I can tell you a lot about that feeling, but you would not understand it. It eats at you from the inside. It makes you question everything you believe in, and it leaves you feeling lost and lonely. I was lucky, because in the process it didn�t eat at my marriage, as it does to so many others. Yes, I am a lucky one. Stephen and I are much closer for our struggles� it didn�t pull us apart, but rather brought us together. Still it doesn�t make me feel like any less of a failure.

Lately, I have been thinking about it a lot, and I have been wondering if I am ready to try again. Then, I took provera a little over a month ago.. and I was stunned when I later had what felt like ovulation symptoms. I fell into the hope and belief again� Maybe the weight I have lost is helping.. maybe the metformin is.. maybe this is the right time for us.. and so we had sex when I thought it was the right time. Then I started going thru symptoms, some that I only had when I did get pregnant before.. or that I only had when I was going thru medicated cycles because the drugs brought them on. Without the drugs, my mind thought.. omg, maybe I didn�t fail.. maybe it happened on my own. Yes, I let myself hope and dream and all that� and I even went as far as to buy a pregnancy test� Nothing.

So I feel a little silly. Silly that I hoped, silly that I believed� Maybe that is the wrong way to feel, but I can�t help that I feel that way. I think what makes me the saddest of everything is the way I�ve come to feel about all of this. I didn�t tell Stephen any of this.. because I didn�t want him to get his hopes up, only to deal with failing again.. I didn�t tell my friends, because I didn�t want to have to admit later that it was nothing� I didn�t tell, because I didn�t want to deal with it. That�s where I realize that I have failed the most. I have failed myself.. I am not a failure, but I have failed myself.

So when I read this quote, it really spoke to me. It�s okay to keep trying, and it�s okay to keep failing, you just have to do it better each time. To know that you gave it everything that you had, regardless of the fears and regardless of the chances at success. I still don�t know if I am ready to keep trying right now, this past month has reminded me what a roller coaster of emotions that TTC can be, but I do know that I am not ready to accept that my life has to be childless either. I talked to Stephen finally, and told him that I am ready to THINK about going back and trying again. It�s a step in the right direction.. and if it takes me a while to get there, well that is my own choice, and I have to do what is right for me. I have to try harder and fail better.

Note: This has been a hard entry to write. I am still not sure that I want to talk about this here, or anywhere.. but maybe it's a step I need to take. I hope that those of you I haven't talked about this with first, those of you who wish I would have.. I hope you know that it wasn't that I was shutting you out, I just wasn't ready to talk about it.. I don't know why it's become so hard for me to talk about. I know you are here for me though, and it makes a world of different. I appreciate you.. please know that!