Just Not Sure
08-14-2001,

Just Not Sure...

August 14, 2001

Sometimes I hate thinking too much. Sometimes I hate feeling too much. I mostly just hate it when I get into these moods. The ones where you try to find a meaning behind anything anyone says, the ones where you are way too sensitive and worry way too much. I am just not sure what my problem is today or the past few days, but I haven't been having a great time of it.

What am I worried about? I couldn't put it into words if I tried. Or at least I don't think I could. Jen is going to be moving here in a week and a day. One more week and something that we've talked about for years will be happening. Why did I expect her to be more excited about it? Oh gee, maybe because we've been talking about it for years. The thing is, she is not un-excited.. she is nervous, understanably so. She is leaving behind her friends and her home and moving so far away to start a new life. Is that supposed to be easy just because I am here? I think not. Then, I feel guilty because I know how hard it is for her to leave Tonya, and how hard it is for Tonya to see her go. I guess that I feel a little guilty because as bad as I feel for them, I am still happy for me. But then I feel bad because Jen is sad about leaving Tonya, and I wish that she were excited about moving close to me too. She is, I know she is.. see what my problem is, I am going in circles in my thoughts and in my feelings.

I don't know why I have this need to be considered a good friend. I do try, I don't expect it to just come to me. I work at it. I don't really have a lot of friends. I have a few really close ones, but not a lot. So I work even harder at the friendships I do have. Sometimes I wonder if I am too smothering. Do I expect too much attention from my friends? Is that really fair to them. Luckily I have Stephen to do lots of stuff with, and that takes up some of my time, LOL. Okay, that sounded bad. None of this is reading like I am writing it, but what a journals for, if not to sound mixed up and crazy.

Tonight we are going to the Sox game with Don. I am really happy about that. It is going to be so nice to see him and to spend time with him. Stephen and I were going to the game anyway, because it is half price can night, and we usually go on half price nights. I am glad that we thought to ask Don, and even more glad that he said yes. I know how much he misses Jen, and the kids, and how much they miss him. I know how hard it must be for him being here, in a new place, at a new job, without his family and not knowing anyone. I feel badly that this is the first chance I am getting to see him, and I wonder was it horrible of me not to make an effort to welcome him better. Well, I've called him and we've both been busy, and this is kinda the first chance we've had to get together, but still, he probably would have tried more if it had been me moving to VA. Maybe I am not that great of a friend afterall.

Like I said, I am just not sure what my problem is. I had a talk with Cory earlier about my feelings. I have been feeling like she is pulling away too lately, or is it me pushing her away. I think that everyone is up in the air with the way everything is changing and who knows in which direction we are all going to land. Hopefully on our feet. Cory and I are going to talk some more, maybe she can help me put it all into perspective. Jen tried too, but I hate dumping on her right now, she has so much going on as it is. I am sure that it will all settle down soon, or at least I hope so...