Why Does it Matter?
08-23-2001,

Why Does it Matter?...

August 23, 2001

I had such nice things that I planned to write about tonight, and I am sure that I will get to them before I am done, but at this point, there is something much more deep on my mind. I'll be the first to admit that I was a bit tired today, and more than a little cranky, but I don't think that I over-reacted, not this time. I participate on an email-list, composed of women who I have really gotten to know over the past few years...women who I have grown to care for, and respect most of the time. However, today things got a little bit sticky and I left there feeling more than a little attacked. It all started out innocently, a conversation about how we have all grown apart lately, and how little we talk, and it turned into name calling and accusations. Accusations that hurt more than a little bit, and left me feeling very confused and angry. Stephen asked me tonight, Why does it matter? Why do you even care what they think about you? You made some really good friends there Vic, and those friends believe in you and what you stand for, why does the rest matter?

Since I was so tired and even more cranky at this point, I allowed myself to just take a nap, and I am glad that I did. I feel much more composed on the issue, but yet I still don't know the answer to his question. Why does it matter? It matters because like I said before, I care about these women, and thus I care about what they think about me. I found out today that they think quite a bit, and not all of it is wonderful. I am so not going to sit here and defend myself or my feelings, this is not a place that I have to do that, nor am I going to apologize anymore for anything that I've done or not done. I am tired of apologizing, I am done. I don't know what is going to happen on this list, but I do know that I do not see things the same way that many of them do, and nothing is going to change that. Hopefully this is something we can get passed, but first I need to get passed my hurt and anger to even try to get passed it. I am tired of being a person who just lets things go, accepts them, and tries to fix them. Maybe this is not for me to try to fix, maybe I need to learn to let it not matter.

Somedays I really wish that I was one of those kids who was able to say "Do it my way, or I am taking all my toys and going home", LOL. I never was that way...is it ever too late too learn?