Trying to See Past It
08-24-2001,

Trying to See Past It...

August 24, 2001

I am really so very upset with myself for not writing about the good things last night, for letting the bad overwhelm me, for allowing myself to feel the hurt so deeply, for letting it still consume me. I am trying to see past it, I really am trying hard, but sometimes it just is not so easy to do. Alot of people that I care for said some things that showed me the kind of person that they think I am. I am surprised, because I thought that they thought differently of me, but they are entitled to their feelings and thoughts, even if I do totally disagree with them. I feel that they are judging me on things that they couldn't possibly know the whole story of, and that really sucks. I try so hard to give people the benefit of the doubt... but then I can't expect everyone to be the same way. Guess I am still really feeling it. I hope that I can find peace in this soon. Maybe they don't even realize how deeply I've been hurt in this, heck, maybe they don't even care. I hate to think that way.

Okay, okay, pulling myself out of this.. good stuff, good stuff. Trying to think of good stuff. I am so tired (that's not good), but I didn't sleep so well last night, I was a bit upset. My back hurts too. I should just go to sleep.

I think Jen is coming over tomorrow.. That is definitely good stuff. I love talking to her on the phone now (well I always did, I do have a point), and being able to say, hey wanna come over, or hey, I am going to come over. I still can't believe it's for real. We have talked so long about how wonderful it would be to live one another, now it's here. Yippeee... I happen to be a very good friend, kind, considerate, caring (not that you would know by what some people have thought of me lately, but I am not going to let that ruin the knowledge that I am a good person, and a good friend). I can't wait until Jen is settled in and we can really start doing stuff together. I am really looking forward to the little things... helping her shop, giggle, and just visiting. I wanted to ask Cory to come over tomorrow too, but I am sure she already has plans... we haven't really had time to talk about normal stuff the past few days. It would probably be a good thing, she's been rather upset herself, and I would love to be able to cheer her up.

Tonya is going to head out to visit her mom in TN on Sunday. I will miss her lots while she is gone. She is such an awesome friend too, I really am so glad that we've gotten close. I hope she knows just how special she is and how much I've appreciated her support that past few days, and how much I appreciate her in general. I got a package in the mail from her yesterday... some CDs that she made me (awesome ones too) and a special present. When they were here, we went shopping, and I was showing here these cute little critters that my mom and gram collect and told her that I would like to collect them too someday.. Well she remembered that and went and bought me a kitty cat one.. one that looks so much like Shadow. I wanted to cry, I was so touched. I can't believe how thoughtful she is... Thank you again Tonny.

I have some wonderful friends...God I am lucky, I so need to quit wasting my time on hurtful stuff and appreciate the stuff I do have. I just cannot stand to have people I care about to think badly of me, especially when they are dead wrong about it. Uggg, I am trying to get past it, but it just keeps staying there... Time heals all wounds... I hope it does so quickly this time.