Easier to Tear Down Than Rebuild
08-30-2001,

Easier to Tear Down Than Rebuild...

August 30, 2001

Have you ever noticed how easy it is to tear things down. To ruin trust, to break a friendship, to hurt... and how hard it is to rebuild the damage that you did. Why is it that one is so easy and the other so hard? That is something that I've been thinking about all day.

I haven't written much about what happened with Stephen and I, and that is because it still hurts. He left me the other night. God that sounds so pathetic. In all these years, and all the fights we've had, neither of us have ever taken our stuff (or some of our stuff) and left saying, I am leaving you. His reasons, while I am sure they were valid to him, were pretty crummy and some of the things we said to each other were equally as crummy. At first, I called him at his mom's and begged him to come back. I couldn't stand the thought of what we were doing to each other, and in effect, our relationship, but he was quick to toss out ultimatums. Do this, and I will come back. Finally I got mad and told him that he was the one doing this crap, and that yes I would miss him terribly, but that I wasn't going to beg to change his mind. I guess that is what he needed to hear, because within an hour he was calling me and saying that he was coming back home. He wasn't gone more than 4 hours, but it felt like a life-time when you think of it in terms of hurt. I am still angry that he would do that, and I still am a little freaked out by it, but we are working on that. It's getting better, but it's going to take time to really forget.

One of the hardest things for me now is dinner with his parents tonight. I don't know how I am going to face them, when it was there he ran. I know that they love me and that they told him he was wrong and to go home, but still they are his parents. Well we are on our way there now... I can do this... I can rebuild all of this... I know I can.