But I Don't Wanna Be....
09-20-2001,

But I Don't Wanna Be...

September 20, 2001

at war! I keep feeling the urge to scream that at the top of my lungs. Okay, how selfish is that? Maybe it's not selfish at all. I listened to the President's speech tonight, and I thought it was a good speech and I thought that it was what a lot of American's wanted to hear, needed to hear right now.. but it left me shivering... left me scared. I don't want the prospect of war before us... I don't want life to change... I want to go back to a few weeks ago, when we felt safe and turmoil was something that happened "over there", somewhere else. What's wrong with that? Why can't we change the things that we don't like... if only we could.

Big news at work.. but I don't want to say anything and jinx it yet. They are looking for someone to fill a position that would be above and beyond my current position, and would be at OT pay. It would be a great thing for Stephen and I, but it was also be a lot of responsibility. I am struggling with my own abilities right now, not certain I am up to the task... Stephen says I am nuts and that I am the brightest person for the job.. the current holder of the position said that "I would bring a lot to it, a lot that she was not capable of, alot that they need"... I should hear by Monday whether I have it or not.. I hope I do, but I am scare too. I know I could just quit if it isn't for me, but how would I know unless I tried... ohhh, the agony of the unknown.

The agony of the unknown... that about sums up everything around us right now. What is going to happen... where are we going to be a week from now, a month from now....years from now. I don't want it to be at war... I don't want to watch people die... I want Peace!

We had dinner with Stephen's parents tonight. It was nice.. it was normal... but they were fighting amongst themselves, and while I felt bad, I almost wanted to laugh because it was an exact replica of fights that I myself have had with Stephen. I could see him so much in his father tonight.. and I could see myself in his mother. It was almost eerie...like watching what we might become 30 years down the road.

When we were getting ready to leave, Sharon was walking down the block with Sarah and Brian (Brian being my nephew).. awww. what a surprise. They were on their way to the park (her mom lives a block from my MIL). I was happy to see Brian, and got some hugs and kisses. I told Stephen on the way home that I want to make more of an effort to see him. I want him to remember Aunt Vicki being in his life when he gets old enough to look back and remember.