The Themed Subject
09-27-2001,

The Themed Subject ...

September 27, 2001

Reading over the journals today, I noticed that the theme lately seems to be centered on friendship. Okay, it seems to be centered on the special friendship between myself, Jen, Cory and Tonya. It's amazing how close the 4 of us have become over time, not only as a group, but as individuals as well. Given that we are going to be spending more time together, starting this afternoon (yippee), I think it's appropriate to want to talk about this friendship and to want to share our thoughts and feelings, and so, I myself, would like to write about this very wonderful friendship that the 4 of us have developed.

Friendship..such an important part of life, something that we take with us everywhere we go�something that is so easy to take for granted. I know that I am fortunate to have good friends, and I do. I have quite a few wonderful friends now, and although I am only talking about my relationship with 3 of them in this post, I want the others to know as well that I treasure them, and that I don't forget them ever. Boy that sounded like a disclaimer or something, LOL. Sometimes I think too much about others having their feelings hurt, but this is my journal, where I share the feelings of the moment, and this entry is about that as well. Back to friendship now.

Friends come, and friends go...some stay longer than others, some stay for always. There are problems here and there, and there always will be, but overall, what I get from my friendships so outweighs anything negative. I believe with all my heart that the friendship I have with these 3 awesome ladies is a friendship that will stand the test of time. I can see myself, years from now, a much better person because of these women.

I think that after reading both Jen and Cory's journals today, I understand something else, something that we've all seemingly been struggling with this whole week. I understand that we are so much a like in our feelings. We ALL have our own fears, our own jealousy issues that we all need to work through. It is so easy to look at your own fears, but much harder to see those of others. You can listen to them say, I have this fear, and you can hear that, and still not understand it. You still don't *get* that it's the same thing you feel. However, we are doing something so good lately, we are talking about everything...what we fear...what makes us jealous... we are getting it out in the open and really listening to one another. We don't always have to agree, that is not a pre-requisite here, but we do have to listen...really listen, and try hard to hear what we are each saying... not what we are hearing, but what we are saying! Sometimes we misunderstand each other, and we hear something out of our own fears that isn't really being said. Before we get mad, we need to stop and say, "can you clarify that�, what are you really trying to say here". One of my own biggest problems is that I am such a defensive person. That comes with not having much self-confidence. I so readily believe that everyone else believes the worst of me. That is something I am really trying so hard to work on. I need to remember that I am not the only person who worries or who feels certain feelings. I need to remember to work together, and not work alone. I am thankful that they are willing to help me thru these things, even if I do know how nuts it makes them. I could sit here and talk about the things they do that makes me nuts, but I don't have to, that's the beauty of it all. We are honest with each other, and we already know it all.

I also need to remember that I don't have to FIX everything! I have always been that way. If there is a problem I want to fix it, and I want to fix it right away. I cannot stand to leave things hanging, not even for the slightest moment. But I am slowly learning that not everything can be fixed, and especially not on the spot. Sometimes we have to allow each other the benefit of time, a chance to figure out for ourselves what we are feeling. We each care so much, that we are going to do what it takes to fix the problems, and taking a little time to do so isn't going to ruin anything.

I was so jealous last weekend... and it wasn't just one thing... it was the timing of so many things that put me into the place I was in. It was misunderstandings, it was just so many things. But instead of holding them in and letting them simmer, I have talked to my friends, and I have shared my feelings, and I learned that things were not necessarily the way I made them out to be in my own mind. This is where talking and sharing comes into play. We are all going to jump to wrong conclusions from time to time, but if we are open with each other, it will be okay.

If I were honest, and I try to be... I would say that I like it when I do stuff alone with each of my friends, but yet I don't want them to do stuff alone without me. They all feel the same way. It's not right, it's not fair...but it's life and it's the way we feel. So we are all working on *allowing* each other the space to nurture these friendships, and we are all learning that being close in different ways doesn't hurt the core of our relationship. We are lucky to be a group of friends who care a lot for each other. Now we just have to learn to not be so threatened by the smaller relationships inside the whole. Where do we start? I think we already have... I know that I, myself, certainly feel so much better today than I did a week ago, and that is a good start. We are getting there girls...the ride may be bumpy, but we will get to our destination, eventually...hehe.