Facing Our Ghosts
10-15-2003, 2:02 p.m.

Facing Our Ghosts...
A Dear X Collaboration

October 15, 2003

Dear Tonya,

I think that one of the hardest things in life that we ever have to face is our own ghosts, especially for someone like you who tends to run from these things to begin with. You hate change, you hate conflict, and so this has had to been hell for you. I do know how hard it is because I am such a similar type of person and because of that I wanted to take the time to tell you just how very proud I am of you.

I really believe that you are much stronger of a person than you ever give yourself credit for. I don�t know, maybe you have just been beaten down so many times that you can�t even see it, because, my friend, *your* ghost is abuse, and facing up to that has to be the roughest thing you may ever have to do. It takes a strong person to survive, and survive you have done. Abuse is never an easy thing, but it is even harder when that abuse comes at the hand of someone who you love so deeply and quite possibly always will. I have, over the past few years, tried to be there for you, I have tried to listen and to offer support, and while I may not have always understood, I did try, and for the most part I do feel like I�ve succeeded in being there for you

Earlier this week, I attended a seminar, a seminar on domestic abuse. When I signed up for this seminar, my thought was that maybe it would help me understand you better, to understand your situation and understand why you stay in such a situation, and that in understanding, maybe I could accept your choices, and help you in ways that you would better welcome. However, once there, it was really different than I ever expected and it hit me harder than I could have anticipated. I listened, *really* listened to the people who know, and I heard about a couple of things that I, myself, may have done wrong in this process and for that I am sorry. I feel sick to my stomach over the whole thing, thinking about what you�ve endured. While you lived in the hell, it really was so easy for me to put it up on a shelf from time to time, to walk away from it and let it be until I was ready to deal with it, and thus to deal with you. I have to admit that I have thought some horrible things too over the years, that you were weak, or that you were *unwilling* to help yourself, when in truth, maybe you were just doing the very things you needed to do just to survive.

I listened to you say that you were done with it, and that you were leaving, only to watch you turn around and give him chance after chance, and I came to resent that, and thus you at times. I have thought that I couldn�t understand how I could be friends with someone I couldn�t respect, because you were living a life-style that went against everything I was taught to believe in. However, it was not my place to judge you or to judge your actions. How can I possibly know what you are going through when I�ve never been in a situation like that myself. One of the things I learned at the seminar is that it is easy for me to say what I would or would-not do if I were in this sort of situation, but from what I now learned, the fact is, it doesn�t start out to be full abuse� instead your abuser chips away at you, little by little, and you never see it until you are too weak to do anything about it. That you begin to believe that it�s your fault, you are the one causing this� that you truly believe it. Maybe that is not something I can understand, but it is something that I can respect.

I *may* have been a little wrong to try to push you into leaving him, wrong to call him names in your presence, but I hope you can understand how hard it was/is for me too. I cant tell you how much I hated watching you hurt, knowing that there wasn�t a thing I could do about it. It was hard for me to stay partial at times and not blame him, and maybe because of that I didn�t see it as clearly as I could have. I still believe the things I said Tonya, that you *should* leave him, that he *is* a jerk, and that you deserve way better� I can�t help that, they are my feelings, and I do still feel them. I can�t take that away, and wrong or not, I don�t want to. So while I don�t regret saying them, I do regret some of the things that I could have said and didn�t. I could have told you that I believe that you have made the choices you�ve made FOR your children, and that I believe that you will always keep them safe. I could have told you that if you are ever ready to leave, that I will support you in that decision, but that I also support you in the decision to stay, whether I agree with it or not.

The ironic part� when I signed up for this seminar, you had no intention of leaving, at least I didn�t think you did. So when you came to us not so long ago and said that you were leaving, I really didn�t believe you would do it. It felt like the same old story that I�ve heard so many times, but it didn�t matter, because in case it was true, and even if it wasn�t I wanted to be there for you. So I took the time to listen and to help you in the ways I knew how. I did the best that I could with what I had. Anything that I�ve done or said, has always come from my heart, and I know that while technically it may not have *all* been right, most of it was, and that far exceeds the little things that I have done wrong. I hope you know that I am here now though too, and I am trying to learn and understand, and so I want to tell you that no matter what you do, no matter what you decide.. you have my support. Now that you�ve left him, you might think that it�s easy for me to say that, but I do mean it. Because, I know that you still are hopeful that things will change, that he will change, and that you can go back someday and live the life that you always expected to live. As much as it pains me to think of you ever going back, I�ve come to hope for that miracle FOR YOU. No, really, I do. I refuse to make this harder on you by saying that it can�t work for you� but then again, in other ways I just can�t make it easier by telling you why you should go back when I just don�t think you should, so if I say nothing from time to time, know that it�s not because I don�t care.

Ton, as you face this ghost, I want you to know that you have my full support, that I am here, that I always will be here, for whatever you need. I love you, and I do support you in every way that you need. I won�t lie to you by saying that I am not happy that you are out of that situation, because in all honesty I am thrilled. I am loving talking to you and hearing how much stronger you sound every day, how much happier you already seem. I know that it�s a long road, and that it is going to take time for you to heal, but I am so happy that you are on your way� I know you are hanging on to the thought that things will get better, and I wish that I could tell you that I think he can or will change, but until he gets help, I really don�t think he will. I will say however, that the choices are yours, and that I will help in anyway you ask of me, even when I don�t fully understand or agree. I just ask you to try to be understanding when I have a hard time with it all.. all I can see is the hurt he caused, where you have some memories of good.

I hope that the future holds so much more for you than the past has. I hope that I can be a part of it, and in some way help. I know it�s not my fault, what you�ve gone through, but I can�t help but want to see that you get something in return somehow� cause I care.

All my love and respect,

Vicki