What Bright Side?
11-11-2002, 8:23 p.m.

What Bright Side?
A Random Acts of Journaling Collaboration

November 11, 2002

What event in your life do you find it difficult to be thankful for?

Today, Cory and I talked a little bit about her cycle, and what she is going thru with her RE, and it brought back alot of memories for me. I remember so clearly the excitement and newness of the first cycle.. the belief that it was going to work for us, and the devastation when it didn't.. and that got me thinking about my own journey with our RE. And it led me to thinking about how exciting it was when we did get pregnant, and then the nightmare that it later became.

One thing that stands out to me about our ectopic pregnancy is the number of people who said to me, "look at the bright side, at least you know you can get pregnant now". I just nodded each time, as the tears slid down.. please tell me what bright side there was in any of that. I find it hard to believe that anyone could possibly think that I (or anyone in the same situation) could be thankful about anything during such a time. I still can't believe the things that people said to me.

The thing is, going thru this with Cory now, I am learning how hard it is to be on the other side of the situation, and yes, it is hard.. very hard, but in a totally different way. You don't know what the right thing to do or to say is.. but I hope that I never ever tell her that she should be thankful when her heart is breaking, I hope that when I don't have something good to say, that I can just hug her and not say anything at all.

There is not a thing in that memory that I am thankful for.. am I thankful that I got to be pregnant for all of a couple of weeks? That I got to wait week after week to see what would happen next.. that I had to have methotrexate injections to terminate the pregnancy, that I ended up in the hospital in pain, and then had to wait several more weeks to miscarry? Can I be thankful for the memory of telling my husband that all that we dreamed about and worked for was coming to an end, and that it wasn't going to be with a baby in our arms? No, there is nothing to be thankful for.

I am however grateful for the friends and family that surrounded us and showered us with love.. and yes, I am grateful that my husband and I came thru it stronger somehow and closer in a lot of ways, but if I had the choice of doing it again, or not getting pregnant at all, I can honestly say that I would have rather not gotten pregnant. We may never have a child of our own, and each day I grow to accept that more and more... I will always remember my lost pregnancy but not thankfully.

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Note: I am ok... I have healed, and I am strong. I wrote this collaboration because it was on my mind. Don't worry about me or feel sorry for me, I do have a lot to be thankful for in my life. The question however was to talk about something you find it difficult to be thankful for, and this was what I wanted to write. Thanks for reading, and I promise that tomorrow will be a much happier entry.