First Step
11-18-2003, 9:48 p.m.

I have been thinking a lot the past few days� well okay probably a lot longer than that� but maybe I am ready to be strong and try again. It�s so hard, not because I am afraid of working hard, that I have no problem with� it�s just that the potential for so much hurt is there. I don�t know if I could go through what I did before, especially with the ectopic pregnancy. That hurt not only me so bad, but Stephen, and watching him hurt was so hard� I even felt responsible, although I know that doesn�t really make much sense� not much about infertility does make sense.

I took a tiny step today and called my OB and put in a request for a referral to a new RE. I wasn�t all that thrilled with the staff at my last RE�s office, and I think that if I am going to do this, I would like to start fresh. I haven�t heard anything back yet, but hopefully they will get that referral to me, and then I can take the even harder step of making that first appointment. I think that once I actually get started with it, I will be hard.. it�s the initial steps that really are the hardest of all sometimes. To make the decision to really go forward with it.

Stephen is happy about the thought of trying again, although he won�t really say that he is really happy. He tries hard to make me feel like it�s my decision.. he always tells me that he has no right putting pressure on me either way, since I am the one that has to do all the hard stuff� but I know how much he wants a child, and I know how great a daddy he would be, and maybe it�s not fair to only think about how hard this would be for myself� maybe I sort of owe it to not only myself, but to both of us, to at least try.

The best part in all of this.. is that I know that I am not alone� I have so much support, people who care and who will be there for me through it all. That is such a good feeling, knowing that they will be here� always. God, help me make the right choice� lead me in the right direction with this� I just want to do the right thing.