Made the Appointment
11-25-2003, 7:51 p.m.

Well, I did it� I called yesterday and made an appointment for my consultation with the new RE. Well, I guess she isn�t new� as I mentioned (I think), she is actually the first RE that we ever saw. It�s going to be a little strange� she was actually friends with Ven (my old boss who died a couple of years ago), and when I first started seeing her, he was so excited, so I am sure that in a way it�s going to bring back memories of that� but I did like her, and I did feel comfortable with her, and all in all, that counts for something.

Even so, I was so nervous about making the appointment� and I actually hung up on them, and had to call back� because I just couldn�t do it. I don�t know why I am so scared�. It�s not of the actual appointment� nor is it of the procedures� nor am I really scared of NOT getting pregnant� I am more scared of getting pregnant again and having another loss� that is what I am afraid that I won�t be able to handle again. I know that things are different now... I am in a different place, but it�s still a very scary thing.

So my first appointment is on December 9th. In some ways that seems so close and in others it seems like it is so far away. Now that I have made the decision, I almost just want it to be over with.

So many things in my life are changing lately� I feel like I am in a whirlwind, and I am so not sure where I am going to end up. I am really feeling a little down about it, it�s so scary� change is always scary for me. I hope that it all turns out alright in the end.